2
After Jack left.
In the bathroom, I slowly unbuttoned my white shirt.
Last night, Jack pinned me down on the bed, sweet–talking me.
“Are you sure you don’t want to try?”
His beautiful eyes were full of deep affection.
I couldn’t utter a word of refusal.
So last night, I was seduced by him and foolishly rolled around with him.
He held me, showing no restraint, taking me again and again.
When I was barely conscious, he took out a permanent marker and held my thigh, writing on my body.
I shivered at the cold sensation: “What are you writing?”
He leaned down to kiss my forehead, saying softly, “Silly, of course I’m writing that I’ll love you forever.”
The last button was undone.
The shirt fell to the floor.
I looked in the mirror, my eyes widening, my whole body trembling uncontrollably.
10:01 AM
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Dirty words appeared all over my body.
Last night, he carefully held me in his arms, coaxing me: “It’s my first time too, I don’t have much experience. I’m afraid I might not do it well and make you uncomfortable.”
His warm breath lingered by my ear.
I endured the pain and said to him: “It’s okay”
He pressed me down, using his fingertips to wipe away the tears from the corners of my eyes: “Be good, bear with it for a moment, it’ll feel good soon.”
“Lily, I’m your first man, you must remember me for a lifetime.”
I thought he truly loved me, that’s why he agreed to marry me.
I thought when he covered my eyes and wrote those words one by one gently, he really meant he would love me forever.
But in reality, he was counting the days until he could run away on our wedding day, humiliating me and turning me into a joke.
In reality… there was another woman teaching him how to play with me, letting him write all sorts of dirty words on my body.
Slut, whore, bitch, toilet…
In my dazed state, on my lower abdomen which Jack had kissed, he even wrote word by word:
“I’m a cheap whore, please use me as you wish.”
My self–esteem, which had been well–protected since childhood, disappeared in an instant at this moment.
I had never felt so awful before.
I leaned against the wall, taking deep breaths, my whole body shaking.
I clutched my stomach, wanting to cry out loud, to scream, to smash everything around me.
I wanted to rush over and confront Jack immediately, asking why he did this.
I only liked him, why did he have to treat me like this?
But in the end, I just numbly soaked myself in the bathtub.
Those unsightly words were already very difficult to wash off.
I scrubbed my body desperately with red–rimmed eyes.
My skin turned red and even started bleeding, but I didn’t feel the pain.
Even so, those filthy words seemed to have grown on my body,
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t wash them clean.
I fell into deep self–loathing.
I bit my lip, hugging myself, trying hard to hold back my tears.
But the tears still fell uncontrollably, splashing into the bathtub in large drops.
